dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
