I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
