Just fell off a train. Bad.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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