just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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