I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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