i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
