So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
