You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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