I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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