Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
