I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
