I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
