Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
