Three words: puerto rican gang bang
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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