Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
