I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
this hospital has no fireball
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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