after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
