Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
