No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
