do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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