I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
