every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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