can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
