Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
