YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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