This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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