Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
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Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
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Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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