Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I supernannyed him into submission
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
