Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
