She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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