I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
