dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
