I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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