saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
