TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
