we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
