apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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