just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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