i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
