He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
