u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
