your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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