I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Bring me that man meat
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
