I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
