i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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