Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
