Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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