hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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