I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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