Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
