just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
