I faked an abortion last night.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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