Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
