wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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