nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
