This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
