I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
