In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
