My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
