I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
