Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
17 year olds will be the death of me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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