phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
