i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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