look no pants
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
