omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
